I Am Not Her


Tonight, I cry.
I feel a sense of defeat at finding where I am today.
I plan yet I procrastinate.
I dream yet I remain the same.
I’ve pictured the woman I want to become, and I am not her.

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Breathe


Breathe.
She forgets to breathe.
Breathe.
Her mind is somewhere else.
Breathe.
She forgets to live,
how to live,
why to live.

Breathe; you’ve got a new heart.
Breathe; you’ve got a new life.

Breathe in.
She forgets to breathe out,
to move on,
to live after loss.

Breathe; thank God for life.
Breathe, thank God for time.
Breathe; thank God for memories.

Breathe out.
Breathe out; it’s going to be okay,
it’s going to take time,
it’s going to take strength.

But, breathe.
Breathe in,
breathe out.
Breathe.

Advice


My advice for you future Mrs. L,

Don’t let anyone push you around.
Especially if you are right,
if you mean good,
and if it’s for progress.
We must not care if it is Anna, Bea, Chris, or Dan.
If we are right then we die fighting for it.
The greatest lesson I learned from Papa.
Stories from Mama, his secretary, officemates, and others.

Okay?

I love you.

How could you feel defeated with that?
I love you, too.

 

Letter


To my future wife Y,

Hi, there. I was reflecting on how God has worked in our lives prior to me admitting my intentions to you. I was just in complete awe. I cried. I never thought God could write such a great love story in MY life. I must admit I made a lot of mistakes in the past. But, despite that He is still gracious enough to give me someone as precious as you. Indeed, everything is by grace. In fact, all that I am and all that I have is because and only because of His grace.

BoJWptjIYAAiIha

 

I may not have a lot as of today but I want you to know that all my plans in the future involves you and is for you. I may not be able to give you the lifestyle that you have right now but I am certain that I could be with you in terms of building our heavenly dwelling. And I want you to pray with me Proverbs 39:8-9

8b give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9 lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the LORD?”
or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.

Yes, that is my prayer since I was in college. And, true enough the Lord has answered that time and time again. I may not be abundant, but the Lord has given me what I need.

I love you so much, Y. I love you so much.

In Christ,
J

Who You Love*


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“My girl, she ain’t the one that I saw coming
And sometimes I don’t know which way to go
And I tried to run before
But I’m not running anymore
‘Cause I’ve fought against it hard enough to know”

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“My boy, he ain’t the one that I saw coming
And some have said his heart’s too hard to hold
And it takes a little time
But you should see him when he shines
‘Cause you never wanna let that feeling go”

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Cause I never saw you coming.

*Who You Love
by John Mayer

Misunderstood


Here is how it plays out in my head.
She sits down on the seat beside me,
makes small talk with guy
and laughs like she’s heard the funniest version of an old joke.
Well, let me teach you new tricks, too, Honey.
Number 1: I do not need to wait until everyone leaves the room.
I adjust my ring to make sure it’s facing the correct way,
I stand up, and I give her a solid back hand slap.
I would’ve wanted to use my left hand for more insult
but, my right arm is stronger.
Clearly, she is simultaneously shocked and enraged.
Perfect. Because now we can fight.
I’ve seen too many girl fights in the movies to know they get it wrong.
Pulling hair and open palm slapping is clearly not the best way to inflict pain.
You step on their foot and then kick their knee.
You throw your elbow into their face to make blood come out of their cheeks.
You do not need to stare down at her anymore because she is already on the floor.
Maybe, that will teach her never to stare down at me the way she did
and walk out feeling like she’s gotten away with it.

But, here is how it played out.
She sits down on the seat beside me,
makes small talk with guy
and laughs like she’s heard the funniest version of an old joke.
I wait until the end of the program, not a second longer,
and walk out like a good pretend escape artist.

To borrow the words of Aaron Sorkin:
“I’m tired of people telling me it’s a just-get-over-it situation.
F**k you.
You don’t know what its like in my head.
~Will McAvoy
The Newsoom Season 1, Episode 6

Thinking of You, Thinking of Us


I find myself thinking of you,
thinking of us,
thinking of the years that have passed;
thinking of how time,
after all was kind–
giving us enough memory
to learn from our mistakes,
and enough to forget
to forgive our mistakes.

I find myself thinking of you,
thinking of us,
thinking of pain that didn’t last
thinking of how grace
can never be earned
and that forgiveness
cannot be paid.
But, that letting go
is priceless.

I find myself thinking of you,
thinking of us,
thinking of end
thinking of done.

Pat & Nikki


NIKKI

No one really likes Nikki,
even the ones that say they do.
What they are really saying
is that they do not hate Nikki.

And, at the end of the day
you do not settle for someone you ‘don’t hate’ for your friend;
you choose someone you like,
someone you know is going to good for your friend
not just someone you know won’t be bad.

That’s Nikki.

PAT

Pat on the other hand,
everyone loves Pat.
The ones that don’t are jealous
or are too self-righteous.
Take your pick.

The jealous and the self-righteous
use Pat to make themselves feel more secure and more virtuous.
And, because Pat couldn’t care less about what they say,
they have a field day everyday.

Pat is their escape.
Pat is lazy,
they are hardworking.
Pat is shameful,
they are faithful.
Pat is unruly,
they are disciplined.
Pat is full of himself,
they are humble.

Pat is their prison.
They fix their eyes on Pat
to avoid looking at their own selves.

People who hate Pat
are people who have secrets–
dark and disgusting secrets.

Nikki is one of them.